Thursday News Roundup

It's a busy day, so I'm saving my first real thought-out content until the weekend, but for today, here's what's happening in the news:

Bud Light denied naming rights to the downtown Raleigh amphitheater. Well duh. This is downtown Raleigh, not the damn Jersey shore. PBR? yes. Some random delicious IPA you’ve probably never heard of? yes. Some other hipster-influenced concoction? yes. Bud Light? No. Try again Raleigh. Check it out via WRAL.

I love that this story about Hope Mills draining its lake because of a sinkhole, includes this:

“Efforts to capture an alligator spotted in the lake had nothing to do with the situation, Beeman said. The alligator was spotted swimming a creek downstream before the lake was emptied.”

In my head the gator somehow caused the sinkhole as a retaliation for people trying to catch him, then he swims downstream with some evil maniacal laugh. You know, if gators could laugh. Check it out via WRAL..

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about the World Cup for the athletic competition, world unity and whatnot, but hot, sweaty, muscular men without shirts on is a fantastic bonus. For example, if this dejected Spanish man needed a shoulder to cry on, I would do the world a favor and volunteer. Check it out via Jezebel..

An impressive 32 million people tuned in to President Obama’s primetime speech on the oil spill, but it was still a lot less than his previous primetime interruptions. Oil spill, schmoil spill. So you think you can dance was on, and Americans have their priorities. Check it out via New York Times.

One Utah death-row inmate has decided to be sent to the afterlife via a firing squad of five men strapped with .30 caliber rifles. Some people are saying he chose this to display the archaic nature of some laws still in place in Utah. Now I agree that Utah isn’t in my list of favorite states for a variety of reasons (ok, to be fair, it is very pretty), but I like this one. He shot people to death; he now gets shot to death. Fair is fair. Check it out via MSNBC.

I will pay someone $1 million monopoly dollars (or however much is in one game, let’s be honest) to take me to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando. Actually, I think they should just build condos in the park and let me move there. Not. Even. Joking. Check it out via MSNBC.

To anyone out there who has some lame ass argument for me about why you don’t support gay marriage, I think this little gem will be my trump card. Eminem, whose songs usually include at least one and sometimes several “fag” references, supports gay marriage. I repeat – Eminem supports gay marriage. If he can doit, anyone can. So suck on that. Check it out via MSNBC.

I just threw up a little. Are we not unhealthy enough? Do we really need a pre-packaged, processed, white bread, Lasagna sandwich in our gas stations? Could I come up with another rhetorical question? Ok, maybe, but really, this is gross. Check it out via Jezebel.

This man is actually running for election. If I find out that anyone I know votes for him, I will come to your house and slap you. Republican candidate Bill Randall seems to think that the Obama administration intentionally caused the oil spill. Wait, I thought the anti-Christ was supposed to win the hearts of people all Hitler style then send their asses to hell. Why would he waste his time killing an entire eco-system? Maybe he’s trying to tell us the souls of animals are in jeopardy too. Although I have to give Randall some serious props on this quote.

"Now, I'm not necessarily a conspiracy person ... and this is purely speculative on my part and not based on any fact, but personally I feel there is a possibility that there was some sort of collusion."

I mean, I guess it’s good he admits he’s an idiot that spouts crazy ideas that aren’t based on any fact. I should slap him too. Check it out via News & Observer.

Oh Wake County school system, do you not have enough problems? The head of the public school system’s internal auditing was arrested for flashing some kids at the local YMCA. Maybe he wanted them to audit his internal… ok, I’ll stop. I’m sorry. Take that thought out of the universe. Ew. Check it out via News & Observer.

Finally, there is a new laser that shoots beams of NIGHT. You read that correctly. Night. Let that soak in for a second, then check it out via MSNBC.